67 ways you know that you have been in Russia too long…
 
1.  . You have to think twice about throwing away an empty instant coffee jar.
2.  . You carry a plastic shopping bag with you “just in case”.
3.  . You say he/she is “on the meeting” (instead of “at the” or “in a” meeting).
4.  . You answer the phone by saying “allo, allo, allo” before giving the caller a chance to respond.
5.  . You save table scraps for the cats living in the courtyard.
6.  . When crossing the street, you sprint.
7.  . In winter, you choose your route by determining which icicles are least likely to impale you in the head.
8.  . You let the telephone ring at least 5 times before you pick it up because it is probably a mis-connection or electric fault.
9.  . You hear the radio say it is zero degrees outside and you think it is a nice day for a change.
10.  . You win a shoving match with an old Babushka for a place in line and you are proud of it.
11.  . You are pleasantly surprised when there is toilet paper in the WC at work.
12.  . You look at people’s shoes to determine where they are from.
13.  . Your day seems brighter after seeing that goon’s Mercedes broadsided by a pensioner’s “Moskvich”.
14.  . Your not sure what to do you when the “GAI” (traffic cop) only asks you to pay the official fine.
15.  . You wonder what the tax inspector really wants when she says everything is in order.
16.  . You plan your vacation around those times of the year when the hot water is turned off.
17.  . You are relieved when the guy standing next to you on the bus actually uses a handkerchief.
18.  . You are envious because your expat friend has smaller door keys than you have.
19.  . You ask for no ice in your drink.
20.  . You go mushroom and berry picking out of necessity instead of recreation.
21.  . You develop a liking for beets.
22.  . You know what Dostoyevsky’s favorite color was.
23.  . You start to believe that you’re a character in a Tolstoi novel.
24.  . You know seven people whose favorite novel is “The Master and Margarita”.
25.  . You change into tapki (slippers) and wash your hands as soon as you walk into your apartment.
26.  . You take a trip to Budapest and think you’ve been to heaven.
27.  . You start thinking of black bread as a good chaser for vodka. So are pickles.
28.  . You drink the brine from empty pickle jars.
29.  . You can read barcodes, and you start shopping for products by their country of production.
30.  . You begin to refer to locals as “nashi” (ours). Or they start to refer to you as nash.
31.  . It doesn’t seem strange to pay the GAI $2 for crossing the double line while making an illegal U-turn, and $ 25 for a microwaved dish of frozen vegetables at a crappy restaurant.
32.  . Your coffee cups habitually smell of vodka.
33.  . You know more than 7 Olgas.
34.  . You give you business card to social acquaintances.
35.  . You wear a wool hat in the sauna.
36.  . You put the empty bottle of wine on the floor in a restaurant.
37.  . You are rude to people at the airport or where ever for no reason.
38.  . Cigarette smoke becomes ‘tolerable’.
39.  . You think metal doors are a necessity.
40.  . You changed apartments 6 times in 6 months.
41.  . A gallon of gasoline or milk seems like a foreign concept.
42.  . You think that the Manezh is a real shopping mall.
43.  . You look for kvas and kefir in the supermarket, and ask to buy half a head of cabbage.
44.  . You don’t feel guilty about not paying on the trolley.
45.  . You can sleep through a hangover without curtains on your windows.
46.  . The elevator aroma seems reassuring somehow.
47.  . You no longer think washing clothes in the bathtub is an inconvenience.
48.  . You can heat water on the stove and shower with it in under 10 minutes.
49.  . You bring your own scale and calculator to the market to make sure the amount you are charged is correct.
50.  . A weekend anywhere in the Baltics qualifies as a trip to the West.
51.  . You sit in silence with your eyes shut for a few moments before leaving on any long journey.
52.  . You look in the mirror to turn away bad luck if you have to return home to pick something up you’ve forgotten.
53.  . You catch yourself whistling indoors and feel guilty.
54.  . You never smile in public when you’re alone.
55.  . You know the official at the metro station/airport/border post/post office/railway station etc. etc. is going to say “nyet”, but you argue anyway.
56.  . When you save tea-bags of Yorkshire Tea brought over specially from home to use for a second cup later….
57.  . When that strange pungent mix of odours of stale sawdust, sweat and grime in the metro makes you feel safe and at home….
58.  . You get wildly offended when you are asked to pay at the coatcheck.
59.  . You cross yourself on the number 6 .
60.  . (For women) When you dress up in your best outfits for work and ride the metro.
61.  . When the word “salad” ceases for you to have anything to do with lettuce.
62.  . When mayonnaise becomes your salad dressing of choice.
63.  . When you begin paying attention to peoples’ floors and can distinguish the quality of linoleum and/or parquet, and thus determine social status, taste, and income e.g. embezzled, earned, pension, unpaid, etc.).
64.  . You get excited when the dentist smiles and has all his own teeth.
65.  . You can spark a debate by asking for a decent Mexican restaurant.
66.  . You laugh at Russian jokes.
67.  . You actually get these jokes.
 
And when you go back to the “home country”:
 
. You think it’s too hot, no matter what season you return.
. You specify “no gas” when asking for mineral water.
. Your friends have to keep reminding you that the word is “restroom”, not “toilet”.
. You are dumbstruck when high school or college students wait on you with a smile, reciting a 30 second spiel on the “specials of the day” - and display complete knowledge of the contents of each menu item…
. You tip very little, even for great service.
. You try to pay a traffic fine on the spot and get arrested for attempted bribery.
. You look for kvas and kefir in the supermarket, and ask to buy half a head of cabbage.
. You are surprised to see that the cooks and waiters in a Chinese restaurant are actually Chinese.
. You get bored with the pace and organization around you, and can’t wait to get back to Russia.
. You see a car behind you with flashing lights and think it’s some politician.
. You are in awe that after 5 days home your shoes are still clean.