Mixas a écrit :
Voilà j'ai reli mon travail et j'y ait apporté des modifications et corrections importantes:
Vous en pensez quoi?
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Watching, walking, running and flying. Despite being a little thing, birds taming heaven. As a child I was[ au lieu de have been:temps] interested in how that thing is [au lieu de "it is"] possible and why. That was my first question of what engineering can teach me and it is engraved [ au lieu de "carved" ] in my mind ever since.
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J'aime pas trop ta phrase d'accroche je dois avouer
c'est un poil pedant. De plus "despite being a little thing, birds taming heaven" ca veut pas dire grand chose. Plutot: "Despite being small things, birds can tame heaven".
"Already as a child, I was fascinated by how and why such a thing was possible"
"Since then, this question remains engraved in my mind and I believe that the study of engineering can help me answer that question but also go beyond it"
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Accountable [ou "in charge of"? - au lieu de Guarantor] of [ pas de " the"] good design and [ pas de " the"] quality by coordinating studies related to the development of new products and managing the plans and technical documents, I believe an engineer learns and do much more [au lieu de "such more"?]. He aspires to know how science makes the world go round.
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"An engineer is not only in charge of the good design and quality of the products he developes, but as a scientist, he also aspires to understand how science makes the world go round."
(J'elaborerais un peu plus ici...expliquez peut etre que la connaissance des sciences te donne la possibiltie de faire plus que simplement construire, mais aussi comprendre etc...)
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Educated in [ au lieu de "on"] a family of intellectuals, as the son of a professor (PhD) of university, my interest to [one is interested IN something ?] engineering ( j'hésite aussi avec "learning" - "engineering/learning au lieu de genius" au lieu de "genius" ) born and has been cultivated rigourusly. My parents have inculcated me with the necessary [orthographe, "required" n'est pas mieux?] spontaneity of this field, and thanks to this social support, I am able to affirm that I will achieve a mark of ["get" ?] more than 15/20 in my baccalauréat.
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"Educated in a family of intellectuals" ca fait un peu pompeux. Eneleve ossi le "PhD", ils savent qu'il faut un doctorat pour enseigner a l'universite
Pareil, vire moi le bout sur le bac, c'est ton referee qui doit dire si t'est capable d'avoir 15 ou pas.
Enfait vire ce paragraphe, ca fait un peu trop pompeux et arrogant, et en general ils aiment pas.
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Throughout my experience of life, I have learned [si je dis "learned" sans "have", cela veut dire que ma vie est finie ] how to solve everyday problemes with scientific ideas like mathematics and physics which are subjects which attracted me.
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"Throughout my life I have learned how to solve everyday problems with the help of science, and in particular mathematics and physics, both of which I thoroughly enjoy"
Par contre, la ca veut dire quoi "solve everyday problems" pour toi? Donne un exemple...tu t'est servi quand de la physique dans la vie de tous les jours?
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I am currently in my final year studing [ au lieu de "senior in "] science at Louis XX French High School in XX, XX. I am preparing my international General Certificate of Education in Science (Baccalauréat français OIB série S).
I wish to [#ff0000][ au lieu de " I could"] pursue my studies and register onto a[ au lieu de " in a "] Master of Aerospace course [ rajout] in order to deepen my knowledge, improve my level and go further in the acquisition of the principles and the fundamental laws in the aviation field. My attraction to this subject lies in the logic of my earlier choices. Having an international mindset [ au lieu de " state of mind "] and education, studying abroad naturally appeals to me.
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"I am currently studying a French Scientific Baccalaureat with English International option (Baccalauréat OIB série S) with a specialization in Mathematics at the "Lycee Louis XX". I trust that the scientific education I have received there will prove invaluable to excel in higher education. I therefore wish to pursue my studies in the scientific realm and read for a Masters of Aerospace Engineering at your institution. This will help me pursue my interest in aviation while also gaining a thorough knowledge of mathematics and physics in order to understand the principles of aviation and how these can be applied to the real world"
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My choice quickly focused on England. As a matter of fact, not only is England is [ rajout ] known for its high level of research, prestige and excellence in science (especially aerospace), but also for its art and culture, offering a very fulfilling dynamic cultural life.
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"Having been brought up in an international environment, I have rapidly taken the decision to study abroad. England is for me an ideal place to study because of its high level of research and its excellence in the teaching of science. Moreover, while I received an intensive scientific education in the french system, I also got the opportunity to study the arts and humanities to a high level, and I therfore value greatly the fulfilling and dynamic cultural life offered by British universities."
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Attracted by scientific research, teamwork, having the abilities of a challenger, I am confident that this training will help me achieve the goals I have set for myself. Furthermore, I have an excellent level in [au lieu de " master rather honourably "] the English language both written and oral, so I could adapt quickly.
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Le debut de la phrase je te le reformule a la fin de la lettre, la on continue sur l'anglais, c'est plus logique
"Studying for the international option of the french baccalaureat means that I am studying in a fully bilingual environement. Moreover, the exams in english literature and history-geography are to A-level standards and I will thus have no problem in adapting to an english academic environment"
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A proportion of my spare time has been spent ["in" enlevé] walking on the seaside contemplating ["so" enlevé] the wonders of a world which [au lieu de "who"] seek only to be explored. Besides, reading and writing are fields I fascinate [ au lieu de "passion"] for. Also I like travelling, as it often stimulates my curiosity and broadens my horizons [au lieu de "perspectives"]. These have given me a chance to test and discover more about myself physically and mentally.
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La je te conseille de reecrire. Il faut que ce que tu dise soit vraiment relevant, c'est a dire qui apporte quelque chose. Lire c'est bien: "well rounded individual". Les voyages aussi c'est pas mal, mais donne un example.
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With an important knowledge of mathematics ( au lieu de " a basic knowledge " qui semblait pejoratif) and the oppurtunity to study ["in" enlevé] a subject I love, [the fertillity of my mind will increase that]( enlevé ) I feel I can excel at[ au lieu de " in the "] university. I am determined to reach [#002ad4][orthographe] my goal to become an enginner with an international [orthographe] career.
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Les maths on en a deja parler, pas la peine de remettre.
"I trust that my academic background, my interest for scientific research as well as my passion for the subject I wish to study will give me the opportunity to excel at university. On the long term, I am determined to become an engineer and pursue an international career"
Voila, c'est ma correction. J'ai essayer de garder a peu pres ton niveau de langage mais en reformulant des trucs.
Essaye de mettre tout ca au propre et reposte si tu veux...
Je retourne taffer moi