si c'était ça, je ne serais pas ici

A woman customer was playing One-Armed Bandit on the computer, and on one pull of the crank, she almost got a 777, but the last 7 was up too high for her to win. So she got a large industrial magnet and tried to drag down the 7.
 
I drove to her house, then I charged her $70.00 to tell her she ruined her new 19 inch monitor.

One of our customers, a major non-US defense contractor, complained that their code ran too slowly. It was a comedy of errors.
 
Act I
 
    * Contractor: "Can you make our code run faster?"
    * Tech Support: "Yes, but we have to take a look at it."
    * Contractor: "We can't, the code is classified."
    * Tech Support: "Can you explain to me what your code is doing?"
    * Contractor: "No, that's classified."
    * Tech Support: "Can you tell us what functions you use?"
    * Contractor: "No that's classified."  
 
Act II
 
So, on a hunch, we sent them the latest version of our software for Windows NT.
 
    * Contractor: "Why is this running faster on our 800MHz Pentium than on our VAX?"
    * Tech Support: "When did you buy that VAX?"
    * Contractor: "Some time in the late 1980s."  
 
Act III
 
Finally, some of their code was declassified. We looked at it, and one piece of it contained a routine for reading one million or so integers from a file. Rather than opening the file once and reading them all in, there was a loop: it would open the file, read the first integer, and close it; then open it again, read the second integer, and close it; etc.